Will and Rose first encountered each other online a decade ago. Will went by the moniker "professorparsley," a fitting title for his tall, slender frame adorned with glasses, traits that captivated Rose. During their initial meeting, Rose discovered that Will was a college student residing with his mother, and his online alias originated from a playful nickname bestowed upon him by a child during his time working at an art camp. They chuckle about this memory now, as they often do with various anecdotes from their past. Will found Rose to be stimulating and forthright. Hailing from suburban Ontario, he found her Southern Californian roots to be akin to a distant realm. Immediately, they cherished each other's disparities.

Rose was attracted to Will's stability, which was a departure from her previous experiences with men who were hesitant about commitment. Despite facing challenges such as multiple relocations, a year of long-distance dating, and the difficulty of finding time together while living with family and roommates, their relationship endured. After seven years of marriage, they now have their own space—a one-bedroom apartment in Los Angeles, where Rose works with Pilates clients. Will spends his days teaching and in the evenings, they enjoy cuddling in bed while watching television. According to Rose, this is her favorite part of the day. (Note: Rose and Will are middle names. They prefer to be referred to by their first names, middle names, or a nickname for privacy reasons.)

Despite the grounding effect Will has on her, Rose finds that the comforting familiarity of their relationship can also inhibit her sexually. They can go for months without being intimate, yet their connection remains strong. They've established a rule of never turning down a hug, a practice they adopted to resolve minor conflicts that arise in any relationship. Additionally, they've had open conversations about how the stability and predictability of their marriage—qualities Rose cherishes—diminish her sexual desire. She understands this may be confusing or frustrating for Will, but she's hesitant to force herself into intimacy. Rose's mother, who is now divorced, felt obligated to engage in weekly sexual activity with Rose's father, a dynamic Rose wants to avoid in her own relationship.

Rose employs a series of rituals to create a sexual atmosphere, including grooming herself, enjoying a glass of wine during dinner, or occasionally breaking from their routine with vacations. In contrast, Will doesn't require any specific preparation for intimacy, highlighting their differing approaches. Despite these contrasts, they've embraced their unique dynamics over time, recognizing that this is the foundation of their intimate life together, which they both desire.

Throughout the pandemic, the couple abstained from intimacy for over a year, yet they relished their increased time spent together. Previously, Rose would spend countless hours commuting between various workout studios, often returning home late, resulting in limited time with her husband. However, confined to their home, they began to explore their neighborhood through leisurely walks and engaged in frequent conversations. They initiated a shared activity of attending online yoga classes, which became a lasting hobby. Will values these moments of connection, considering them significant despite their seemingly small scale. While Rose doubts her nurturing abilities, Will contradicts her, stating, "She's not lacking in generosity of spirit or time.”

Sometimes they shower together and hold each other naked, without any expectation of sex. Though Will remains hopeful that these moments will lead to something else, he doesn’t push it.

Cultural perspectives regarding the role of sexual intimacy within marriage have undergone significant transformations over time. While previously seen primarily as a means for procreation, recent decades have witnessed a shift towards the belief that regular sexual activity is vital for a happy marital relationship. In the 1990s, a surge of sex positivity coincided with the rise of various therapeutic approaches, including couples counseling, where professionals guided couples on enhancing their relationships, often emphasizing the importance of regular sexual engagement. By the 2010s, scheduled intimacy sessions had become a commonly endorsed strategy for fostering closeness and, somewhat tacitly, preventing marital dissolution.

One consequence of the constantly shifting sexual landscape is that many modern couples are increasingly unwilling to endure what psychotherapist Esther Perel refers to as "monotony" in their intimate lives. Perel has built her career on explaining how excessive familiarity within domestic life drains away eroticism, which thrives on elements like mystery, intrigue, and novelty. This isn't to say that sustaining long-term love and desire is unattainable, but according to Perel, maintaining sexual spark necessitates innovation. Through her podcast "Where Should We Begin?" Perel assists couples in exploring and vocalizing their fantasies, respecting each other's individuality, and experimenting with fresh approaches to fulfilling their shared desires.

Perel, along with numerous other relationship experts, often finds herself reconsidering the commitment to monogamy, a fundamental aspect of marriage. Similarly, advice columnist Dan Savage questions the feasibility and enjoyment of monogamy for all individuals, criticizing the societal emphasis on condemning infidelity. He advocates for honesty between spouses regarding the challenges of continuously meeting each other's sexual and emotional needs over many years.

While some are challenging the traditional model of monogamous sexual relationships within marriage by exploring polyamory and open arrangements, others are resisting societal expectations regarding sexual activity altogether. Indeed, there's a trend of decreased sexual activity among Americans across various demographics including race, gender, region, education level, and employment status. Research indicates that American adults born in the 1990s are engaging in fewer sexual encounters compared to older generations, with fewer stable partnerships and reduced sexual activity even among those in relationships. Surveys such as the 2021 General Social Survey reveal that approximately half of all adults surveyed engage in sexual activity once a month or less, and half of those individuals reported abstaining from sex for a year. Experts speculate on the causes of this decline, ranging from technological isolation to ongoing cultural dialogues about consent.

Many younger women, influenced in part by the #MeToo movement, are actively choosing abstinence. There's a noticeable trend on TikTok promoting "boysober" lifestyles, a term coined by comedian Hope Woodard. She suggests that abstaining from sex can empower women who previously felt pressured to conform to male expectations. Additionally, the digital feminist 4B movement, originating in South Korea but gaining global traction via social media, advocates for rejecting traditional norms such as childbearing, heterosexual relationships, marriage, and sex. Another emerging concept is that of "platonic life partners" — friends who commit to shared responsibilities like homeownership and raising children without the need for romantic or sexual involvement.

Sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski opposes the notion that frequent sex should be a central aspect of every committed relationship. Nagoski, who has been candid about her own break from marital sex, does not advocate for obligatory sexual activity, nor does she promote the idea of establishing a specific baseline for sexual frequency or behaviors. Drawing from the insights of Canadian sexologist Peggy Kleinplatz, Nagoski suggests that experiencing low desire can sometimes indicate sound judgment. According to Nagoski, "It’s not dysfunctional not to want sex you don’t like."

In her latest book, "Come Together," Nagoski encourages couples seeking to explore their sexualities and strengthen their sexual connection to begin by understanding each individual's desires and preferences regarding sex. While sex often symbolizes liberation from the mundane, the path to that liberation will vary for each couple and may evolve over time. After all, desires may not always align or may undergo unexpected changes.

Michelle and John crossed paths at a party in 2005, and during the initial stages of their relationship, their affection for each other was palpable. However, four years ago, following what she describes as a "traumatic" childbirth, Michelle became apprehensive about engaging in intercourse due to concerns about potential discomfort.

Following the birth of their child, Michelle and John abstained from sexual activity for a year. Presently, they find themselves capable of enduring lengthy stretches without intimacy. Observing changes in the sexual dynamics of their friends, some of whom are exploring open relationships, has prompted discussions between Michelle and John about revitalizing their own sex life. Nevertheless, they often find themselves at odds regarding their desires and comfort levels.

John is aware, however, that engaging in sexual activity outside of marriage is a boundary Michelle is not willing to cross. Having seen infidelity devastate her parents' relationship, Michelle harbors a deep-seated fear. John reflects, "There's a significant concern about succumbing to a fleeting urge when the potential damage outweighs the momentary satisfaction.”

Love, for both individuals, transcends mere fleeting desires. After nearly two decades of companionship, they regard each other as best friends and "soul mates." When they initially started their relationship, Michelle was grappling with the loss of her brother in a car accident. Opening up about this experience during one of their early dates forged an inseparable bond between them. While John found Michelle captivating and cherished every moment spent with her, Michelle viewed him as a comforting presence, someone capable of alleviating her grief. Together, they enjoyed concerts and John crafted mixtapes for her. However, there were also moments of vulnerability when Michelle would break down in tears, and John consistently stood by her side.

Initially, John attempted to console Michelle by claiming he understood her pain, but it wasn't until he experienced the loss of his own brother in 2012 that he realized the inadequacy of his words. Throughout his mourning process, Michelle intuitively provided support during unspoken moments—whether by giving him space, offering a comforting embrace, or simply being present by his side. Today, Michelle remains the cornerstone of John's happiness.

Michelle and John reside in a one-bedroom apartment with their daughter. Despite having some privacy during the day while working from home, they lead busy lives. Michelle typically engages in self-pleasure in the mornings, while John takes their daughter to preschool. Conversely, John indulges in masturbation at night in the bathroom, often accompanied by watching pornography on his phone. While it serves as a physical release for John, for Michelle, self-pleasure serves a deeper purpose: she uses it as a means to understand her own desires. Exploring her body alone helps alleviate the guilt she feels when unable to climax with her husband, as she doesn't want him to perceive it as his fault. "I want to reach that point, but I'm struggling," she expresses.

Among the more than 30 married individuals I interviewed, many, like Michelle, shared how parenthood fundamentally altered their sexual intimacy. Camille, a resident of California, described feeling that her marriage, though solid and loving, underwent a shift after becoming a mother. She felt a disconnect from her desire, describing it as something just out of reach, akin to being in another room or an inaccessible part of herself.

Other mothers began perceiving sex as an additional task, merely another duty among their array of responsibilities. Keti, a mother to a neurodivergent child who yearned for affection, noticed that intimacy with her husband had turned "mechanical" as she started viewing it as "yet another request." Despite her husband's unwavering support, she felt compelled to revert to their former sexual routine, despite secretly longing "to escape into a forest, lie down, and be free from all noise and obligations.”

Lilien, a mother of two, describes motherhood as a pivotal moment in her life. It led her to leave her previous career and left her feeling uncertain about her identity and worth. She struggled with the resurgence of past trauma from sexual assault, feeling the need to be emotionally open for her children but unable to extend that to her husband. Physical intimacy with him became challenging, reminiscent of her children's touch.

Philip, Lilien's husband, never pressured her for intimacy, a fact she appreciates greatly. He emphasizes the importance of ensuring that any sexual interaction is positive, consensual, and mutually enjoyable. Even five years later, Lilien is still navigating the effects of motherhood on her life. Recently, they have begun to have more frequent sexual encounters, about once every other month. Lilien finds solace in her husband's firm back rubs, which he gladly provides.

Other couples, similar to Rose and Will, have admitted to feeling a disconnect in their sexual desires as they find themselves moving in divergent directions. Jean, a 38-year-old mother residing in Virginia, shared with me that her husband's interest in intimacy has waned gradually over their 13-year union. Conversely, she found herself undergoing what she described as a "secondary puberty" as her children matured and became less reliant on her. Feeling an overwhelming surge of sexual energy, she sought confirmation from her gynecologist to rule out any hormonal imbalances. Currently, she is grappling with how to navigate her husband's diminished desire. "I often feel like I'm living in an alternate reality," she admits. "While my friends talk about their husbands playfully grabbing their buttocks while they do dishes, I can't help but wish for that sense of being desired.”

Emily, another mother, recounts how the significance of sex gradually diminished throughout her 34-year marriage. During the early stages of parenthood, intimacy with her husband experienced a temporary setback. However, as their children matured, they witnessed a resurgence in their sexual connection, resulting in what Emily describes as a "revival of a good sex life." At 59, she has undergone numerous surgeries due to her battle with cancer, including a hysterectomy and mastectomy. Consequently, her desire waned, and engaging in sex started to feel obligatory, akin to "vacuuming the house" – a task performed solely to please her husband, a sentiment he picked up on. Emily remarks on the noticeable change in herself, stating, "I wasn’t the same person."

Approximately a decade after commencing hormone treatment for her cancer, inducing early menopause, Emily and her husband engaged in an open conversation about their sexual intimacy. "We discussed my lack of desire, and he acknowledged that if I’m not aroused, neither is he," she reveals. He admitted to experiencing a decline in his own sex drive as well. Consequently, they mutually agreed not to force it. Emily feels societal pressure for older individuals to maintain active sex lives well into their 80s, but she remains skeptical after reading articles advocating for the health benefits of continued sexual activity in later years. "Is it truly beneficial?" she questions. "I'm uncertain.”

Emily perceives their marriage as having evolved organically: Over the years, they've shared profound moments of intimacy, and although they still cherish each other deeply beyond physical affection, their connection has expanded beyond mere sexual dynamics. It revolves around the shared journey they've embarked on together. "For quite some time now, our relationship has lacked sexual intimacy," Emily reflects. "While our bond remains strong, we've transitioned more into a companionship akin to close friends rather than romantic partners.”

Even though many couples I interviewed insist that sex isn’t crucial in their marriages, they still monitor their sexual frequency closely, often feeling pressured by perceived societal standards. Take John, for example, who desires to increase his and his wife's sexual activity to two or three times a week, yet acknowledges the arbitrary nature of this goal.

According to Nagoski, fixating on numerical benchmarks can be counterproductive. Such comparisons inevitably lead to judgment and don't consider whether the individuals involved actually derive satisfaction from their sexual experiences. As Nagoski puts it, "You’re evaluating yourself against a standard set by people you're not even intimate with."

For couples who constantly measure themselves against societal constructs of sex or fear that their relationship hinges on meeting a certain frequency, the pressure can detract from the enjoyment of sex. It's crucial for couples to prioritize the quality of their sexual experiences over meeting arbitrary standards.

Rose acknowledges the pressure of societal norms. Lately, she made the decision to have her birth-control implant removed from her arm due to the infrequency of intimacy with Will. While undergoing the procedure, the nurse subtly hinted at issues within Rose's marriage. This left Rose feeling both ashamed and infuriated. She finds the expectation of perpetual arousal with her husband, after a decade together, absurd. Yet, she recognizes it as a component of the facade that she believes many married couples uphold.

"According to her, some individuals openly share details about their sexual experiences, but she believes many others do not. With guidance from her therapist, Rose is examining whether her A.D.H.D. influences her inclination for seeking novelty. She doesn't view it as a problem but rather seeks to comprehend her desires better. She notes that experiencing partner fatigue might be typical for individuals with 'special' brains like hers, as they are inherently drawn to novelty.”

At times, Will delves into Buddhist texts on self-restraint as a means of understanding his sexuality. He humorously acknowledges the possibility of confirmation bias in this exploration. However, he attributes much of his growth to his wife's self-awareness and her refusal to engage in unwanted sexual encounters. According to Will, intimacy revolves less around fulfillment and more around genuine connection. He reflects, "I've come to realize that in the realm of sexual activity, the climax isn't always the pinnacle of enjoyment. Pleasure is found throughout the entire experience."

In March, to celebrate Rose's 40th birthday, they embarked on a journey to Hawaii. During their time there, she intentionally disconnected from her phone for several hours, spending leisurely moments by the ocean. Will recalls a particular instance when he turned to his wife and observed her unwinding, her body relaxed. At that moment, his thoughts weren't occupied with desire or admiring Rose's beauty in the sunlight. Instead, he reflected on the striking similarities between them. Above all, they both yearn to relish life in their own unique manner, cherishing those fleeting instances when they can immerse themselves fully and leave the rest of the world behind.