As a sex therapist, I create a space for individuals to let go of preconceived notions and explore their true desires. Many clients feel stuck in their sexual lives or aren't experiencing the pleasure they seek. Over my time as a sex therapist, I've identified seven key insights that can help individuals enhance their sexual experiences.

1. Avoidance of the Sex Topic Often Comes from Misconceptions

People frequently shy away from discussing sex, but the reasons behind this avoidance are rarely examined. I've found that underlying fears often drive this behavior—fears that discussing sex might unveil devastating truths, such as their partner's infidelity or their own perceived inadequacies. These exaggerated fears are seldom reflective of reality. For instance, if a client expresses concern that their partner no longer finds them attractive post-birth, I encourage them to communicate openly with their partner instead of making assumptions.

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2. Shame Can Diminish Desire 

Unconscious shame can significantly affect sexual desire, often stemming from negative experiences or childhood lessons that lead to suppressed needs. This can result in individuals prioritizing their partner’s pleasure over their own. Addressing these feelings, known as "conditions of worth," can open the door to greater passion. For example, one client recognized a non-consensual experience as sexual assault, leading her to release the shame associated with it and reclaim her sexual agency.

3. Libido and Orgasm Can Evolve

Therapeutic work can shift many dynamics in a sexual relationship. Mismatched libidos are common, but through exercises like "show and tell," couples can discover new ways to connect and increase desire. Additionally, individuals may find new paths to orgasm by exploring different sensations, leading to more fulfilling experiences.

4. An Achievement Mindset Can Be Detrimental

Focusing on goals during sexual experiences often creates pressure that can hinder enjoyment, particularly for those trying to conceive. Many clients feel this pressure acutely, leading to issues like erectile dysfunction or vaginismus. Recognizing the diversity of sexual experiences can alleviate this pressure and foster a more relaxed approach.

5. Planning Sex Can Enhance Enjoyment

People often believe that spontaneity is essential for a satisfying sex life, but real life can interfere with this ideal. Instead of assuming mutual desire, discussing sex in advance can build anticipation and reduce feelings of rejection. For one couple, planning sex transformed their intimacy, allowing them to explore new positions that accommodated their physical limitations.

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6. Authenticity Matters More Than Attractiveness

Many individuals struggle with body image and feelings of inadequacy, which can hinder sexual connections. Genuine feelings and authenticity are what truly foster intimacy. Exploring the relationship dynamics and self-acceptance can help individuals embrace their bodies and enhance their sexual experiences.

7. Sex Homework Can Be Beneficial

"Sex homework" might include journaling or exploring each other's bodies without the goal of penetration. This approach shifts the focus from achieving a specific outcome to experiencing sensations and emotions, allowing for a deeper connection.

Ultimately, I hope to help people release fear and shame, enabling them to find more joy and pleasure in their sexual lives—often in ways they never thought possible. 

Katie Bottle is a senior accredited BACP therapist and psychosexual and relationship therapist.